Be Assertive -- Not Aggressive

Conflict management and resolution courses Australia

A note from Alexander Wilon JP PhD. Conflict management and resolution training--particularly for front line staff, is no longer a "could do" it is a "must do".  High staff turnover, low morale and lack of team spirit in your organisation are grave symptoms indeed--if not treated, these undesirable conditions will damage your business or organization. This short article on assertive behaviour comes from Safecity's Conflict management and resolution training course.  I know that the techniques listed here will help you resist aggression, bullying tactics and emotional blackmail without resorting to aggression.

Conflict Management

At this point, it is important to discuss some fundamental facts about conflict management and negotiation.  There is ample evidence to suggest that people who have developed sound communication and conflict management skills are often able to defuse potentially violent situations.  

One important rule to remember is:  DO NOT TAKE THE ATTACKS PERSONALLY 

Many victims believe that they have contributed in some way to the aggressive behaviour of the attacker.  They often feel it is their fault if the other party is abusing them.  This could not be further from the truth.

• Principle 1:  Most abusive people suffer from behavioural problems.  Their aggressive behaviour often masks fear and low self-esteem.  Deep down most abusive people dislike themselves more than they dislike their victims.  The aggression towards you is not a personal issue, it is one against society as a whole.  You just happen to be there within the reach of the abuser. 
  
  Evidence suggests that most abusive behaviour can be corrected through therapy and counselling.  Abusive people will seldom be seeking professional help unless forced to do so.  The motivating factor is usually a powerful event in their lives (falling in love, the birth of a child, a major injury, a prison sentence). 

However, abusive people are more likely to be caught by the judicial or even correctional system instead of receiving behavioural therapy.  

The punitive nature of the judicial system reinforces their aggressive behaviour--a never ending spiral of violence and abuse.  Abusive behaviour is also most likely to cause the affected person (and in some cases his or her victims) to try to obtain relief through alcohol and/or drug abuse.

As you can see, you cannot possibly hold yourself responsible for becoming a victim of such people.

• Principle 2: All human beings have the right to be treated with respect and to go about their lawful business free from aggression and fear.  No one has the right to abuse you physically or emotionally.

 
Assertive Behaviour 

During conflict situations a person may adopt three types of response:
 

• Passive  

• Aggressive

• Assertive

Passive response may be appropriate at times (for example, when dealing with some psychotic subjects).

The aggressive response is characterised by shouting, abusive language, obscene gestures, invasion of body space, aggressive postures and irrational behaviour.  Aggressiveness demonstrates lack of maturity.

Being assertive does not require you to be abusive or to respond angrily to a threat.  Quite the contrary! Assertiveness means feeling good about yourself, being aware of your rights and accepting responsibility for your actions.

Most people are able to learn assertive behaviour easily.  However, others may find it necessary to alter their life styles slightly or to enrol in a personal development course.  In general, recognition of your weaknesses (and strengths) is an important step towards becoming assertive.

In all cases, as an assertive person you have certain fundamental rights:

	The right to speak and to be heard
	The right to make errors
	The right to change your mind
	The right to be responsible only for yourself and your own actions
	The right to say no

Most people wish to avoid confrontations. Regrettably, in some cases you are unable to turn away from dealing with difficult individuals. When dealing with such people remember the following points: 

	You have the right to terminate a conversation
	You have the right to choose a proper place for a discussion
	You have the right to be treated with respect

Examples of assertive speech:

Be aware that "YOU" statements cause an instinctive defensive response. This will almost certainly promote conflict.

Negotiation Guidelines

There are some guidelines you should keep in mind when negotiating with other people. If you are involved in an argument with another person remember to:

1. Listen attentively to what the other party is saying.  Listening is the  most important component of successful negotiation.

2. Empathise with the other person's position.  View the argument from the other person's point of view.  This will help you remain calm and objective about the argument.

3. People will generally respond positively if they realise you are willing to listen to their point of view.

4. Summarise the key points of the problem as stated.  This demonstrates that you are listening and willing to cooperate.  Be sure your statements are correct.  Be prepared and conversant about the matter you are discussing.  

5. If you are concerned about your personal safety, discuss it with Police.  Immediately inform them of your concerns.  Do not allow anyone to become physically violent against you.  Contact Police immediately and seek their help.

6. Be clear about the objective you wish to achieve.  If you are vague about your point of view, the other party will see this as a weakness and offer increased resistance.

7. If you are requesting a person to stop doing something which is offensive, say so with a firm (but calm) tone of voice.

8. Always have an alternative solution ready.  In most cases, you should be able to find several solutions.  Always seek to give the other party the opportunity to retreat without loss of face.

9. Remember, a WIN-WIN solution is the most successful ending to a confrontation.

10. Use words and body language in an attempt to de-escalate the confrontation.

For example ...

• Think about what you are doing.  Think how it will affect your family and friends.
   
• I can see that you are very upset, how about taking a minute to cool off.
   
• I am sure we can solve this problem together.
   
• What is it that I can do to rectify this situation for you?
   

11. Remember to always create distance from the other party whenever involved in a serious confrontation.  Placing a barrier (such as a table or desk) between yourself and the other person may help prevent you from becoming a victim of an assault.  Keep calm but stay alert... 

CONTINUES ....

This article is taken from Safecity's Conflict management and resolution manual.  This web page is subject to copyrights and may not be reproduced, copied or downloaded.

 
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conflict management and resolution courses Australia

Be Assertive -- Not Aggressive